21: Returning to the run

and overcoming ego, etc.

This article doesn’t fall under any category, but I’m happy to introduce voiceovers to some of my pieces. Let me know what you think and if this is something you’d like more of.

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I started running in university because I grew up as a competitive dancer and needed an alternate method of exerting my body.

I continued to run because I lived in a house with six (sometimes seven) other girls in Montreal and my runs were some of the only alone time I could get. And then it became a habit.

Running made me a morning person. It made me confident that I could tackle everything else in my day because nothing would be harder than that extra mile I’d pushed myself to do.

Then I got STRAVA!

At first it was fun and silly - it was a great way to connect with other runners, some of whom are now great friends of mine. It held me accountable, allowed me to track my improvement over the years. It was also a place to hyper-compare myself to other people and berate myself for not consistently besting myself, or running as fast as some of my friends.

I know I’m not the only one - runners are some of the most anxious and neurotic and competitive people I know. I am not saying I’m not part of this category (I am all of these things), but I am saying I don’t love it.

The feeling of running can be one of the best for your mental health, but for me it toys a fine line of unhealthy comparisons, body dysmorphia, and overexertion. It facilitated in forming relationships, but strained others as well (prioritizing getting a run in over plans made in advance with loved ones - not okay). I also didn’t love constantly being asked just what I was training for. Why did something that no one in my life did professionally feel so all-consuming?

On top of that, there was a point last fall where I experienced panic attacks in the middle of my runs. I found myself stopping, paralyzed and unable to take a step further. I remember calling my dad and he’d stay on the phone to guide me home, telling me to put one foot in front of another, that everything was okay, slow down. I’d fumble home, grateful that my sunglasses concealed how teary and embarrassed I looked. My running partnerships fizzled, I felt no motivation to do something I’d previously loved, and I felt like any run that wasn’t faster than a certain pace wasn’t even valid. Not that I was even clocking any fast miles.

My unhappiness trickled to how I treated myself throughout the rest of my day, and it scared me. I became restrictive and self-loathing and insecure. I wasn’t confident about running with other people because I could barely run with myself. I am fairly sure these insecurities emanated in my interactions with other people, making me feel altogether unattractive and unworthy (of what though - who knows!).

No one on STRAVA saw any of that!

Instead, they saw a very average runner post her run a couple times a week, maybe with some falsely positive quip or a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip shared in relation to the run. People who had no visibility of my runs would talk to me about running as though it was my full time job, as though I was infatuated with the sport. And I gave them good reason to believe it. Life looked great! In reality, I’d come to hate running.

By December of last year I felt like I needed to seriously re-evaluate my relationship with the sport, and mostly just stopped. It was winter, I was travelling, I wanted to live in the moment while exploring the world rather than stress about how many kilometres I’d done that week. Weight training became my priority - I was seeing a trainer twice a week. I stopped using my Garmin, I deleted STRAVA. I thought this would be better for my mental health.

Over the next few months I learned that overall, I’m quite good at movement in general. This is easily attributed to my dance background. But I hadn’t realized how much I missed moving beautifully. Pilates, yoga - these were other exercise forms that I did a little more of that afforded an inkling of artistic expression. I loved feeling graceful again.

After a while though, I still felt like something was missing. Weight training felt imbalanced, I felt like I was bursting, I wasn’t feeling any healthier by any means. I knew I missed running deeply, but was terrified at the thought of falling into the same unhealthy patterns and mindset. It was only after Paris, when I felt sick and tired and - frankly - weak, that I understood that my body thrived off of a healthy combination of cardio, strength, and flexibility (and proper nutrition, but that’s another story). With the weather getting warmer and an air of optimism permeating, I felt like it was time to return to the run.

I felt like certain guidelines would be necessary in order to ensure I was doing so healthily, so I formed the following for myself:

• Running is not my job, and does not have to be treated as such.

• I no longer think of running as my main form of exercise, but rather as something of equal importance to strengthening and stretching.

• In order to keep up with this volume of exercise, I eat more.

I’m almost a month into running consistently again, and it feels wonderful. Running is social to me if anything, and I’ve noticed a shift in my mentality. I’m measuring things in achievements - last week I ran 15km for the first time this year, and this week I did my first unassisted pull-ups.

My dad, when coaching me through panic attacks, said something that resonated with me: we run not because we have to, but because we can. It is a real privilege to move our legs beneath us and lift them off the ground at the same time. There are many people who can’t.

Whenever I share about running online, people ask for my running staples, my favourites. Running really is like speaking a new language - you might know how to do it, but you’re inhibited by a lack of confidence. I to say “buy this, it will help”, but I do find that a new outfit or a proper fitting shoe does make us excited to go out. Some of my favourite running staples include:

TO WEAR

• On Performance Tights: these are my favourite running tights for anything from 10 degrees Celsius to -20 degrees. The phone pocket is great, so is the adjustable waist. I wear size S.

• On Performance Shorts: the summer version of the above. I must preface that I hate bike shorts - I think they are the most unflattering thing ever. These are in between a booty short and a bike short, so I’ve deemed them acceptable. I wear size S.

• Nike mid-rise running shorts: my sister stole these for her marathon last year, and I just let her keep them. Now I regret it because I want them back. They have so many pockets on the waist to stash gels/keys/etc., and have a phone pocket on the inside short. I wear size S.

• Lululemon Energy High Support Bra: a good sports bra is so important for high impact workouts to protect the chest!

• Tops definitely depend on the season! I love the following:

  • Lululemon Swiftly Run top

  • This thermal long sleeve for winter

• For jackets, I love this 1/2 zip and wore it a lot this past season

• I wear knit mittens during the winter, nothing fancy! Better to keep warm.

ON YOUR FEET

• I am in the midst of testing new shoes, but I have been known to wear the On Cloudmonster 2’s.

• My recommendation to you is to go get fitted at a running store. In Toronto, Blacktoe, the Running Room, and The Running Shop are great. If you’re in Paris, Distance is a good store.

• For socks, I prefer ones that goes above the ankle to avoid blisters. I love these ones from Aritzia.

ACCESSORIES

• I wear these snap on lights when I run in the dark.

• I wear a Garmin Forerunner 245 - new models have been released since but I like that I can download music directly onto it and run without my phone.

• I was fortunate to be gifted Chanel Coco Neige glasses that I use for running, but I love District Vision for nice sunglasses. Goodr is also an affordable option.

SKIN PREP

• I do not leave the house, rain or shine, without sunscreen. I love the Caudalie Vinosun stick for my face (unfortunately only available in the US at this time). It doesn’t sting my eyes! This is an easy drugstore find if you’re in the US or Europe.

• I like a light moisturizer for my face, and just use the Rhode Glazing Milk so my face doesn’t dry up, but also doesn’t get clogged.

• In the summer I use Shiseido sunscreen on my body!

ETC.

• My favourite Gu flavours are Salted Wateremelon, Cola, and Mandarin Orange. Everything else makes me want to vomit.

• Maurten gels are the best, but they are expensive so I save these for a treat.

My latest running playlist:

So I’m back on STRAVA, I’m back running with my friends, and I’m back in the gym twice a week. I’m slower than I used to be, but I don’t even care because I’m enjoying myself so much.

As for what I’m training for? I’m training for life! It requires stamina! And it requires the constant check of ego.

And I haven’t had a panic attack since.